Moving Galleries Cause Motion Sickness

I will be the first person to stand shoulder to shoulder with the arts community and let out a guttural war cry in protection of artists and their work. Having said that, the immemorial dilemma with art is the nature of what actually defines it. One man’s piss trough is another man’s monument. I am positive that at one time or another someone strode up to Duchamp’s Fountain and found sweet release. The point is art critique is totally subjective. Having long believed this and other comforting ideals such as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Kris Kringle is a corporate construct and that all are free to express themselves in whatever manner they see fit, I have come the proverbial cropper.

As a long suffering public transport punter I believed that the worse that could befall me on my daily commute was acute BO toxicity and the requirement to sublet my personal space and endure periods of extreme frottage. Sadly I was wrong. Since securing annual funding in 2007, The Moving Galleries project has sought to coax out the artist within us all by providing an avenue to display the corners of our minds within the confines of Melbourne’s train and tram network. Only just short of being a sheltered art workshop, the Moving Galleries project, if anything, delivers some pretty stark messages about artistic talent and the concept of what is good or bad art.

The Moving Galleries aim “is to reach and engage an extensive and diverse community in the course of daily life by ‘moving Melbourne through art’.” As far as a mission statement goes it is quite reasonable. By engaging the extensive and diverse community (bogans, bevans & waldos) in the course of daily life (soul crushing public transport) Moving Galleries hopes to improve the lacklustre existence of us public transport types. You know the old chestnut, music soothes the savage beast. Far from soothing I have found that the vast majority of the pieces, from poems, to pictures to paintings pretty horrid. I understand the point. I understand expression, but can’t we go back to a more genteel time? Write a slogan on a wall, carve a haiku into a bench, stencil Marieke Hardy’s image to a grid box, graffiti bomb the rail yards, go Banksy on the NGV (please!), just don’t put bad art up in an already trying and tense environment. I want to walk down the street and see all of this, not be imprisoned in a stinking metal box travelling at 80km/h looking at a Fitzroy North Grandmother’s Macramé owl.

There is a time and place for these artworks people and it can be found right here.

Oh Myki You’re So Fine?

Following ongoing battles with environmental factors, incompetent providers and ever increasing patronage comes the latest test of the Victorian public transport systems ability to cope with normal operations – the myki “smart card”.
The myki is currently being trialled by 1000 public servants as part of an in house “blooding” process designed to minimise poor publicity. Early internal reports from the Department of Transport suggest large numbers of trial users are being over charged as a result of being unable to “swipe” on or off their designated service. It is being suggested that during the migration from the metcard to myki system that some train services will be suspended to ensure all myki users are able to swipe on and off successfully. This is likely to cause significant disruptions within the city loop and the hub stations of inner Melbourne. The myki project is already running 2 years and $300 million over budget with a guarantee of more to come. A number of senior public servants believe that a significant proportion of the budget overspend will be recouped by myki over charges. Remember, it’s all part of the plan…

Spears trapped in 5 Star Nightmare

Britney Spears is sitting tight this morning in Melbourne’s Park Hyatt Hotel after running the gauntlet yesterday with Aussie paps. Several of the celebrity magazines have put a price on the first photo of Ms Spears and her K-Fed progeny. Word has it that Brit will be taking a stroll through Fitzroy gardens this afternoon. The paps will be keeping their lenses peeled for that one. More to come….

Britney Lip Synch Coach Says Perth Out of Synch

Britney Spears’ lip synch coach, Christophe Lorenza, has slammed Perth audiences as “backward troglodytes” who wouldn’t know entertainment if it “came up to them and sang live”. The verbal spray from Lorenza followed lack lustre reviews of Spears’ Perth concert at the Burwood Entertainment Centre where it is was said that “at least 90%” of the show was lip synched with significant proportions of Spears’ dance sequences performed by a stand in. Lorenza claimed that only minor segments of the performance were lip synched when harmonies were sung during large scale dance numbers. Let’s hope if Brit comments she remembers to put the tape in. More to come…

CIA Use Connex Boarding Techniques on Terror Suspects

In a move that is certain to enrage human rights advocates the CIA has seemingly recovered lost ground in the unlawful interrogation of suspects by packing up shop and moving its operation to Melbourne, Victoria.

In what can only be interpreted as a move to subvert President Obama’s January 22 Executive Order entitled “Ensuring Lawful Interrogations” the CIA has enlisted the help of Connex Australia to continue its extraordinary rendition program interrogations. Human rights activist Nathan Walpole says “Australia is supporting the systematic abuse of human rights by allowing the Connex train and tram network to be used as an interrogation tool.”

This assertion has been strenuously denied by a Connex spokeswoman who responded by saying “any association between the CIA and the Connex Company is completely absurd and by any standard not within the company charter. Under no circumstances does Connex condone or engage in the contravention of human rights or the abuse of foreign nationals.”

Several activists believe they can align the operating procedures of the Connex network with torture and interrogation techniques used by the CIA under the Extraordinary Rendition program. The activists claim to have documented evidence from CIA field notes that detail interrogation protocols and techniques that can be used while using the network. An extract of the document can be found here.

The CIA refused to confirm or deny any participation in the alleged activities.

Following the failure of Connex to retain the Metropolitan train network franchise, some Melbournians might be forgiven for thinking that for a provider of electrified rail services, Connex were pretty good at extraordinary rendition.